Well doesn't this feel weird. It takes me back.
If you all read my Life Update post (LINKED) and the intro of my May Favorites post, you probably would have got the gist. I didn't think this would be so hard to write but I've got a little hot flush! I feel a bit nervous actually. In case you aren't aware, my mum was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer, December last year (I spoke all about it in the linked posts). A few months back, I think it was early June, my mum had a chemotherapy consultation, which we both attended and this is where they explain everything about chemo. My mum was so emotional, she really didn't want to go through chemo, she knew what it entailed and the Doctor, kept pushing and I did too because it was the only point of survival in a sense, even though I knew she physically and mentally wasn't ready. But, we said, 'oh, once you have the first one, it'll get easier. Oh, we'll all be here for you', it carried on. Then my mums oncologist and Macmillan Nurse joined us and said, Shila, you aren't ready for Chemo, we're going to get you stronger and healthier before we even get an ounce of it in you. The oncologist, then sent my mum down to A&E, where we waited to get admitted into the ward.
My mum was then admitted into a ward where she was given fluid, vitamins, medicine, anything and everything through her veins. Nothing worked, bearing in mind, she could barely eat. A week later, still in hospital, I bumped into my mums oncologist in the corridor, who said to come up to her office before 4, I have never been so scared in my life because I thought, 'why would my mums doctor, possibly want to see me'. I quickly called my dad and said, 'listen, I don't want to go alone, I know you need to pick up my brother from school but get here ASAP'. He came, we went to meet Doctor. What she said then, I couldn't have ever imagined. She basically said in the nicest terms, that we should start preparing our family for the worse.
The hardest part wasn't over. I got home, told my elder sister and younger brother. I couldn't fathom telling my mum's family. The next day, I sucked it out, my aunt (mums sister) phoned, she knew something was wrong because I could barely get my sentences together, I ran out into the corridor, down to the toilets, with tears streaming down my face, I told her everything.
Another week or two passed, the oncologist came in and said to my mum we're going to transfer you to St Lukes Hospice, she didn't want to go, she knew what a hospice meant. I told her, its the best place, the care, the accommodation, no restricted visiting hours. She agreed. After 3 weeks at Northwick Park Hospital, she was moved on the 24th June down the road to a hospice.
We had some of the best and worst times in that hospice. I would always try to pee off my mums best friend in order to make my mum giggle and sorry Kanta, but it worked haha! Even though those moments were the most awful experiences, I had some of the best times. We made that hospice room our home and it was the best feeling to have every member of the family there.
16 Days later, on Sunday 10th July 2016 at 4:40AM, my mum sadly passed away. She was 46.
And that's what happened. I spent every waking moment I could with her.
It's been extremely hard to deal with, if you've been through such a close personal bereavement, it's emotionally tough. Which is why I stopped blogging, I needed to grieve and get myself together before I even put one step in front of the other.
We miss her everyday and its a funny thing because one day, you think ah okay, you know what I'm might just be okay, but the next day, you just come crashing down. Its probably going to be that way for a while, seen as its only been two months. Even writing this, I didn't think it'd be this hard, I'm sat on her bed, a picture of her on the wall straight in front of me, with the most dodgiest lighting and with tears streaming down my face. She'd be watching This Morning right now, wondering where Holly got her dress from, pestering me to stalk her Instagram and order it online with my student discount. It's really funny how life works out.
Right, I'm rambling now, I won't post until next week because I just want this to sit here and for you all to get caught up. Whilst its here, I'll be catching up with all my favorite blogs that I still read but don't get time to comment on, be prepared for the spam peoples.
Although in the future, I'll publish posts, and seem happy and content, 50% of the time I probably won't be, I'm still grieving and I've learnt that's okay.
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