Sunday, 18 September 2016

I'M BACK & Where I've Been ♡

Hey Guys,

Well doesn't this feel weird. It takes me back. 

If you all read my Life Update post (LINKED) and the intro of my May Favorites post, you probably would have got the gist. I didn't think this would be so hard to write but I've got a little hot flush! I feel a bit nervous actually. In case you aren't aware, my mum was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer, December last year (I spoke all about it in the linked posts). A few months back, I think it was early June, my mum had a chemotherapy consultation, which we both attended and this is where they explain everything about chemo. My mum was so emotional, she really didn't want to go through chemo, she knew what it entailed and the Doctor, kept pushing and I did too because it was the only point of survival in a sense, even though I knew she physically and mentally wasn't ready. But, we said, 'oh, once you have the first one, it'll get easier. Oh, we'll all be here for you', it carried on. Then my mums oncologist and Macmillan Nurse joined us and said, Shila, you aren't ready for Chemo, we're going to get you stronger and healthier before we even get an ounce of it in you. The oncologist, then sent my mum down to A&E, where we waited to get admitted into the ward. 

My mum was then admitted into a ward where she was given fluid, vitamins, medicine, anything and everything through her veins. Nothing worked, bearing in mind, she could barely eat. A week later, still in hospital, I bumped into my mums oncologist in the corridor, who said to come up to her office before 4, I have never been so scared in my life because I thought, 'why would my mums doctor, possibly want to see me'. I quickly called my dad and said, 'listen, I don't want to go alone, I know you need to pick up my brother from school but get here ASAP'. He came, we went to meet Doctor. What she said then, I couldn't have ever imagined. She basically said in the nicest terms, that we should start preparing our family for the worse.

The hardest part wasn't over. I got home, told my elder sister and younger brother. I couldn't fathom telling my mum's family. The next day, I sucked it out, my aunt (mums sister) phoned, she knew something was wrong because I could barely get my sentences together, I ran out into the corridor, down to the toilets, with tears streaming down my face, I told her everything. 

Another week or two passed, the oncologist came in and said to my mum we're going to transfer you to St Lukes Hospice, she didn't want to go, she knew what a hospice meant. I told her, its the best place, the care, the accommodation, no restricted visiting hours. She agreed. After 3 weeks at Northwick Park Hospital, she was moved on the 24th June down the road to a hospice.

We had some of the best and worst times in that hospice. I would always try to pee off my mums best friend in order to make my mum giggle and sorry Kanta, but it worked haha! Even though those moments were the most awful experiences, I had some of the best times. We made that hospice room our home and it was the best feeling to have every member of the family there.

16 Days later, on Sunday 10th July 2016 at 4:40AM, my mum sadly passed away. She was 46.


And that's what happened. I spent every waking moment I could with her.
It's been extremely hard to deal with, if you've been through such a close personal bereavement, it's emotionally tough. Which is why I stopped blogging, I needed to grieve and get myself together before I even put one step in front of the other. 

We miss her everyday and its a funny thing because one day, you think ah okay, you know what I'm might just be okay, but the next day, you just come crashing down. Its probably going to be that way for a while, seen as its only been two months. Even writing this, I didn't think it'd be this hard, I'm sat on her bed, a picture of her on the wall straight in front of me, with the most dodgiest lighting and with tears streaming down my face. She'd be watching This Morning right now, wondering where Holly got her dress from, pestering me to stalk her Instagram and order it online with my student discount. It's really funny how life works out.

Right, I'm rambling now, I won't post until next week because I just want this to sit here and for you all to get caught up. Whilst its here, I'll be catching up with all my favorite blogs that I still read but don't get time to comment on, be prepared for the spam peoples.

Although in the future, I'll publish posts, and seem happy and content, 50% of the time I probably won't be, I'm still grieving and I've learnt that's okay.

Tip ♡

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  1. Omg I'm soo sorry for your loss. Rip to your mum, shes in a better place now. Take your time with blogging, we're all here for you. Sending love and prayer to you and your family Stay strong lovely xoxox

  2. I am so sorry for your loss...I can't even imagine what you were/are going through. Hope your doing well now xxx Keep up the blogging :)

    1. Ah, Yutika, hope everything is going well! Thank you so much for your comment ♥

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. I know there are no words to ease your pain, but please believe that you are not alone. Still, after more than 15 years, there are days where I miss my passed on sister like crazy. The pain never goes away, you just learn to keep on living.

    1. Thank you Anne, I'm so sorry to read about your sister. Its true, the pain is always there, it just gets easier to conceal ♥

  4. i'm so sorry for your loss, Trishna. my thoughts are with you and your family! xx

  5. So sorry to hear about what happened, darling, but I'm glad to have you back with us. <3 Like I said to you on Twitter, I wish I had the right words but I don't; just know that you're not alone, you are loved and supported by all of us here. <3 <3 Really missed you darling, drop me a message if you ever want to chat! x I hope you're well. x


  6. Oh how I have missed your blogs!!! so proud of you and I'm sure your mum would be too.
    It doesn't matter whether you are happy or sad, this is part of the grieving process, knowing people support and understand you. So good to have you back... I love your blogs!!!!! Big fan X

  7. Hey lovely girl, welcome back! So sorry to hear about your mum. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers each and every day. I've missed you and can't wait to read your posts when you're ready to publish them!

    I'm here if you ever need a chat gal! Sending lots of love xxx

  8. Trishna I'm so sorry for your loss. It's absolutely the hardest thing you have to go through. My thoughts are with you and your family.

    Gemma x

  9. Trishna, I'm so very sorry for your loss and I can't imagine how you're feeling. I honestly don't have words to write, as I'm crying myself reading this post. Oh, girl, I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending lots of love your way.



  10. I'm so sorry for your loss Trisha! I'm sure that your Mum is proud of you and will continue to protect you xx

    Sarah | What Sarah Writes

  11. Oh Trish I've been thinking about you while you've been on hiatus! I've been wondering how you and you're family have been up to. My heart aches for you because I totally understand what you're going through, My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in April 2011, and he didn't start doing chemo a year later...he was taking Tarceva (a non-chemo pill) that worked so well for him for 10 months and was able to function like as if he wasn't sick (though he was weak), but then he had to do chemo, and stopped working after a while, then the tumors came back and started getting worse and worse, and then he passed away in the ER on February 7, 2013. While we were at the ER, they wanted to put him in hospice or ICU but they were all completely packed. He was 57 years old. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. We love you! <3


  12. Hello Trishna, I am so sorry for your lost. I don't think there's anything else I can say that except send you my well wishes, best wishes and love to you and your family. x


  13. This made me cry, Trishna, I guess I kinda knew that you were on a hiatus because of your mum's condition but I have no words comfort other than I am so sorry for your loss. As I said, I thought of you last weekend and wanted to send you an email but I couldn't have imagined.... Hugs, much love to you and your family.

  14. Oh no, Trishna I'm so, so sad to hear this news. I had a feeling you had disappeared for a while due to your mum's health - I just can't express how badly I want to give you a massive hug right now. I think you're being incredibly brave and if you ever, ever need to talk, please feel free to drop me a message anytime. Thinking of you, and saying a prayer for your family. Gabrielle xxxx

  15. You have been in my thoughts and prayers, lovely. I am so sorry to hear such news and this isn't an easy time for you and your family. I will send you a proper message in private rather than typing it up in a blog post. But just wanted to let you know that I am always here for you. You know that <3
    Much much love, my sweet girlie <3

  16. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I was reading your previous posts, you've been so brave throughout this. You have an incredible strength that you were able to be there for your whole family. I went through something a bit similar, and it was a really lonely time. I'm here for you anytime you want to talk! Thinking of you and your family xxx


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